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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22686199">Almost Sacred</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aewriting/pseuds/aewriting'>aewriting</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Communication, F/F, Grief, Masturbation, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Love, Vibrator, alcohol use</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:55:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,605</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22686199</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aewriting/pseuds/aewriting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A year after Max's death, Maria can see that Liz is burned out. What starts as a girls' night turns into a deeper exploration of what it really means to prioritize one's own self-care.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maria Deluca &amp; Liz Ortecho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Almost Sacred</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was inspired by femslash February on Tumblr.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey. Hey, Liz.”</p><p>Maria watches as Liz’s head jerks up. She can see the exhaustion on her face, the way her eyes are rimmed red, her jaw tight. Upon seeing Maria, Liz relaxes, minutely.</p><p>“Hey yourself,” she says, giving a half-hearted smile.</p><p>Maria glances around, takes in the scattered takeout containers from the Crashdown, the nearly-empty water bottle. “How long you been down here?”</p><p>Liz snorts a little. “Too long, probably.”</p><p>Maria casts a level glance her way. “You need a break. Out, now.”</p><p>For a moment, Liz looks like she’s going to protest, then stretches her neck, side to side, before looking at Maria. “Fine.”</p><p>***</p><p>“I’ll drive you back. Later, though.”</p><p>Liz nods. They’re in Maria’s truck, the old red one. It’s running better than ever, after her brief… thing with Michael. He’d been attentive, in certain ways. An absolute shitshow in others.</p><p>“Why don’t we go to the Pony, have a drink?”</p><p>Liz’s mouth tightens. “I’m… no.”</p><p>Maria raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“It’s just… I’m trying not to. For Rosa.”</p><p>Maria nods, looks straight ahead. “I get that. Where is she right now?”</p><p>There’s a pause before Liz replies. “Santa Fe, actually. She wanted to see the Georgia O’Keefe museum. Kyle took her.” Liz scoffs a bit, and her tone is wry when she finally speaks again. “Brother-sister bonding, I suppose.”</p><p>Maria exhales a long, low breath at that. “Our lives are fucked up.”</p><p>“That they are.”</p><p>Maria eyes Liz. “How long are they gone?”</p><p>“Long weekend, I think.”</p><p>Maria nods, half to herself. “Hmm… well I understand if you don’t want to drink, or do anything. But if you did, now could be a chance. She’s out of town, you’re out of that damn bunker. I’ve got all the tequila and weed you could want.” Maria shrugs. “Or, you know, we could just go high school style. Popcorn, chocolate, movies?”</p><p>Maria watches Liz suck in her bottom lip, worry it between her teeth. “You know what? Fuck it. <em>All</em> of the above.”</p><p>***</p><p>“Can you believe this is over 10 years old?” Liz asks as the credits start rolling to <em>The Proposal</em>.</p><p>“No,” Maria says, topping off Liz’s cup with more tequila. “You need anything? Ice, lime?”</p><p>“Maybe just an IV,” Liz says wryly. “Inject this right in.”</p><p>Maria snorts a little. “Doctor Kyle’s in Santa Fe, remember?”</p><p>Liz laughs a little. Maria watches her, expression soft. “What next? <em>10 Things I Hate About You</em>? <em>Sweet Home Alabama</em>?”</p><p>“No,” Liz says, too fast, too emphatically. “No… no high school shit.”</p><p>Maria nods her understanding. “Yeah… yeah.”</p><p>They’re quiet for a while. “Did you ever think, back then – “</p><p>“No,” Maria says. “Whatever you’re going to say, <em>no</em>.” She takes a long sip of her glass. “Our lives are a fucking joke right now.”</p><p>“I dunno about that,” Liz says, slowly. “Jokes are supposed to be funny.”</p><p>And what can Maria do but take another drink, at that?</p><p>“I miss him,” Liz says, voice soft. “I miss him, and I hate him, sometimes. Like, what does that say about me?”</p><p>“You’re human?”</p><p>Liz fixes her with a long look. “He… he fucked up, you know? I want to <em>not </em>miss him. I want to just, like, be able to rage against him and leave everything about him, every memory, in my rearview. How I did after high school. Just get the fuck out and not look back. I mean, I still have my degree, my experience. I… I could start over.” She shakes her head. “But I can’t. I just can’t.” Maria watches Liz, watches her chin as it starts to quiver. “He had no right, none at all…” she trails off, and the tears come. And Maria puts down the glass and holds her.</p><p>***</p><p>It’s a clear night, with lots of stars and a full moon visible.</p><p>“Night like this, in high school? Rosa and I would be getting up to some shit, you know?”</p><p>Liz laughs, takes a pull off the joint, passes it back to Maria. “You’re getting up to shit now.”</p><p>Maria laughs a little, lets the smoke fill her lungs, spread its warmth. “You never came out with us. Never got into trouble.”</p><p>Liz purses her lips. “Nope. Good girl, remember?” She shakes her head. “Lot of good that did me.”</p><p>Maria looks at her sharply. “Hey, you got out, remember? Got your degrees, saw different places. Like you wanted.”</p><p>Liz’s eyes narrow. She gestures up to the Crashdown billboard. “And yet, here I am.”</p><p>Maria looks down. “It’s different. It… it’s different than never leaving. Trust me, I know.”</p><p>Liz goes quiet, then. “Did you ever want to? Leave?”</p><p>Maria scoffs, passes the joint back to Liz. “Of course I did. But it wasn’t that easy for me. I didn’t have your brains, and Mimi needed the help, at the bar. I mean, if I’d had a real, like, plan, I’m sure she’d have been fine with it, but it’s not like there was anything <em>that</em> compelling for me. Nothing that would make the guilt of leaving feel worth it.”</p><p>Liz is staring at her, an odd expression on her face. “You know… you know Isobel got in my head? Right after Rosa?”</p><p>Maria looks at her, sharply. “What?”</p><p>“Yup,” Liz says, matter-of-fact. “I… I know I wanted to leave, wanted it so bad, but she, she gave the final push. Sent me out of town before we even had the funeral for Rosa.”</p><p>“Holy shit,” Maria breathes. “Max?”</p><p>“Had no idea.” Liz reaches down for the tequila bottle, then. She looks at Maria before she takes a drink, looking a bit uncertain. “Um… Michael. Michael knew.”</p><p>Maria gives a half-snort. “Of course he fucking did.” She shakes her head. “You know, he’d tell anyone who cared to hear it that he hated secrets, couldn’t stand ‘em.”</p><p>Liz shrugs a little. “I guess we know why.”</p><p>Maria’s feeling loose now, the alcohol and the weed hitting her. There’s something about being up on the roof with Liz, talking about these things…</p><p>“Did you know? About him and Alex?”</p><p>Liz just shakes her head. “Shit. No. Not, like, the extent of it, you know?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Maria says, softly. “I, I mean…” She stares out at the main drag of Roswell, takes it in. “I found out a lot of shit, you know? Stuff I wish I’d known, like, ten years ago.”</p><p>“Yeah, no kidding.”</p><p>They’re quiet, then, an oddly easy silence, just passing the bottle between them. The joint. Without even realizing it, their bodies are pressed against each other, ankle to hip to shoulder. Liz leans her head on Maria. “You… you realize we’ve all fucked an alien now, right? You, me, Alex…”</p><p>Maria groans, puts her head in her hand. “Shit, yes. It’s crossed my mind.”</p><p>“What a club.”</p><p>Liz just blows out a breath, at that. “God I’m wasted right now.”</p><p>“Me too, babe.”</p><p>“See, this is why I don’t, don’t do… this. I get sad. And, and introspective.” She pauses. “And horny as fuck.” Maria feels her head shake against her shoulder. “God <em>damn </em>you, Max Evans. God fucking damn you.”</p><p>And then Maria feels the tears.</p><p>***</p><p>She’s making Liz drink water. “You’re staying here tonight.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Liz is saying, and she must be out of it, because she’s not even fighting Maria. And then Maria’s tucking her into her bed, getting in next to her, pulling up the sheets over them both.</p><p>“You need to throw up? Use the bathroom?”</p><p>“No,” Liz says. “Just need… I dunno what I need.” She swallows. “I need him, is all. Wish I didn’t, but, but I do.”</p><p>Maria strokes her hair. “What do you miss about him?”</p><p>Liz heaves a sigh. “I miss… miss the way he was with me, you know? How he looked at me, cared about me. He… seemed just, like, fucking delighted with me, does that make sense? I mean, I’ve been with plenty of other people, but it’s never been that… that interested, if that makes sense? Like, in <em>me</em> – in what I think, what I do, what I like… all of it. It felt nice, to be wanted like that.”</p><p>Maria nods.</p><p>“And… and I miss being with him. We had one time, Maria, one fucking time. If I’d have known – “</p><p>She trails off, then, and Maria holds her. “We’d have all done different things if we knew what we know now.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Liz nods, almost breathless.</p><p>“How… how long has it been, for you?” Liz shifts a bit, looks at her. “I mean, it’s been over a year since everything with Max.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“And there’s been no one else?”</p><p>“No,” Liz says quickly. “I mean, in this town, who would I even?”</p><p>Maria shrugs a little. “Kyle, maybe?”</p><p>Liz makes a face. “God, no, after Max it would just seem… just seem wrong to me. Like, like admitting that he’s not coming back, you know?”</p><p>“Well, if I can offer any advice,” Maria says. “Don’t… don’t start anything with Michael.”</p><p>It gets the desired response, Liz groaning, pushing at Maria. “God, I should smother you for even saying that,” she mutters.</p><p>“There’ve been times I’ve wanted to smother myself,” Maria says, shaking her head. “I… He was good, though. With that. Like, working at the Pony all those years, I heard things. Rumors about him. Like, that part? It was good, really good. Sometimes I think, if things had been different…” She trails off. “But they’re not, they’re <em>really </em>not. And, and I don’t know if things will ever be what they were, with me and Alex.” She pauses. “I’d understand if they weren’t.”</p><p>“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Liz says. “With Alex, I mean? He… there’s so much I didn’t know about him. Don’t know. He’s had this, like, whole other life, in the Air Force, whole other set of experiences. I mean, even before that, with his dad…” She trails off. “I didn’t know. Like, I knew it was bad, but not…”</p><p>“Yeah,” Maria says.</p><p>“You think… you think they’ll get it together? Alex and Michael?”</p><p>“Hell if I know,” Maria murmurs. “Like, now that I know, like, <em>really </em>know, I don’t know how I ever didn’t.”</p><p>“Same,” Liz says. “They’re… it’s not subtle. Like, once you know.”</p><p>“I’m an idiot. A psychic idiot with a blind spot about a mile wide.”</p><p>“No,” Liz says, shaking her head. “We… I missed it, too.” Her face looks grim. “And from what we know now, about Alex’s dad… well, sounds like the stakes were pretty high.” She pauses. “Michael’s hand. His whole, like, alien investigation.”</p><p>Maria’s brow is furrowed. “You know, you leaving? I understood. That’s all you talked about, for years. Like, I was prepared for that. Not for the way it all went down, of course. And the radio silence.” Liz hangs her head. “But Alex? Like, I hoped he’d get out. He wanted it, too. But he should have <em>never </em>joined the Air Force. I… I couldn’t reconcile that, you know?” She blows out a breath. “But it makes sense now, doesn’t it? With his dad? What a monster.”</p><p>***</p><p>It’s one of those mornings where everything is too much. It’s too loud, it’s too bright… Liz is hungover for the first time in a <em>long </em>time. She smells eggs cooking and wanders into the little kitchen. How many times had she slept over here and woken up to see Mimi at the stove, smiling brightly and scrambling a big pan of eggs for them? She’d always mix cheese in, and fresh herbs if she had them. It almost feels strange to see Maria there today, grown and tired-looking.</p><p>“Hey,” Maria says. “You feeling as good as me this morning?”</p><p>“Better, I bet,” Liz replies.</p><p>Maria laughs, at that. “I think you needed it, though.” She regards Liz out of the corner of her eye. “And you know what else I think you need?”</p><p>“Uh oh, what?”</p><p>“An orgasm.”</p><p>A big, bright laugh escapes Liz. “What?”</p><p>“I’m serious, girl. You don’t want to go out and get laid, that’s fine. I get that, after everything you’ve been through. But at least go home, take a shower, get your vibrator, and treat yourself. Like, I’m telling you that as a friend.” Liz is just staring at her. “What?”</p><p>“Nothing.”</p><p>“No, what?”</p><p>“It’s just…” Liz bites her lip a little. “I don’t have one.”</p><p>Maria looks at her blankly.</p><p>“A vibrator. I don’t have a vibrator.”</p><p>“Seriously? Um, okay.” She cocks her head. “Well, you can always order a new one. Did you just not bring it here with you? When you moved?”</p><p>“No, um…” Liz looks uncomfortable. “God, this feels weird to say, but, but I’ve actually never used a vibrator.”</p><p>Maria almost drops the spatula. “You <em>what?”</em></p><p>Liz’s eyes widen, almost comically. “I… I just never, never needed one, I guess?”</p><p>Maria is still just gaping at her. “I… what do you do?”</p><p>Liz sighs. “I’ve had a boyfriend since I was, like, 16. And it’s not like I was going to have a…” her voice drops, “a fucking <em>vibrator</em> while I was living with my dad, I mean…” Liz stares at Maria. “You know what things were like. My mom had left, Rosa was…” She trails off. “Like, the last thing I wanted was to rock the boat, give my dad any trouble, you know?” She shrugs. “I was the fucking good girl, right? And good girls didn’t have vibrators.”</p><p>Maria is staring at her. “But… but you never did?”</p><p>“It just… it never came up. Like I said, there was always someone. And you know how men are.” Maria’s eyes narrow. “Their damn egos. About something like this.”</p><p>“Not all men, Liz,” Maria says, emphatically. “Like, trust me on this.” She sighs. “Seriously, how… how do you even know what you like? I mean, do you ever… you know?”</p><p>Liz laughs a little. “I mean, yeah, but… not that often? And since Max, it’s just… I almost feel guilty. Like, feeling that way. Or taking time away from working on bringing him back. But mostly just feeling… that way, without him.”</p><p>Maria bites her lip. Hurriedly, she scrapes the eggs out of the pan into a patterned bowl, wipes her hands. “Wait right here.” Within minutes, she’s back, phone in hand. “I’m ordering you something.”</p><p>“Whoa, wait, what?”</p><p>“Trust me with this. I’m getting it sent here. So your dad doesn’t accidentally open it and have a goddamn heart attack.”</p><p>“Maria –“</p><p>“No, Liz, please. Like… please do this for yourself. Actually, wait.” She looks at Liz. “If, if you really don’t want me to do this, I won’t. Like, it’s your call. But I just… you’re my friend, and you’ve been through so much. And, and whether or not Max comes back… like, you’re still you. You still have to live with yourself, and this is a part of you, a part of you that it sounds like you’ve never really let yourself explore. For so many reasons. So… so please, if you’re okay with this, I want to do this for you.”</p><p>Liz looks at her for a long moment, then hauls her in, hugs her. “Yes.”</p><p>***</p><p>“I have something for you.”</p><p>Liz looks around the Crashdown. “Oh my god, that was fast.”</p><p>Maria nods, a little smile on her face. “It’s at my house. Figured maybe you’d want to swing by after your shift. Wasn’t sure you’d want me to bring it here.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll come by your place.”</p><p>Maria frowns. “Your… your dad, is he around this weekend?”</p><p>“Always,” Liz says.</p><p>“Hmm…” Maria says, thoughtful. “Would you want to come over to my place? Get some privacy?”</p><p>Liz laughs a little. “I dunno. Like, yes? But is that weird?”</p><p>“No weirder than me buying you a vibrator.”</p><p>“That’s fair. Let’s do it.”</p><p>***</p><p>They’re in the living room, opening the nondescript cardboard box.</p><p>“It looks so… benign,” Liz says.</p><p>“Well, it’s a personal massager. You’re going to be giving yourself a foot rub, right?”</p><p>“Of course,” Liz says, faux-serious. “This… this what you use?”</p><p>Maria smirks. “I mean, I have a few. But yeah, this is one of them.”</p><p>“Hmm…” Liz murmurs. “Something tells me we are going to have to have a chat sometime. Woman to woman. About what you’ve gotten up to these past ten years.”</p><p>Maria smiles. “I have a feeling you’ve got stories, too.”</p><p>“I do.” She sighs. “This… this was really nice of you, Maria. I… I’ve missed this. Us. Our lives have been just, so, so insane this last year. Even before that, really. And this… I never really talked about this, with anyone. It’s, it’s nice to know I can. With you.” Liz looks thoughtful. “I mean, I’m a scientist. But growing up… Catholic. Church every Sunday. Everything was wrong. A sin. Especially stuff like this. You don’t… you don’t just forget that, you know?”</p><p>Maria crosses to her, embraces her. “It was so different for me, with my mom. She was always so… so open about shit like this. Pleasure. The female body. It was like, like a celebration.” She smiles fondly. “I miss her so much sometimes.” Maria tightens the hug. “She always liked you, Liz. So much. She’d want this for you.”</p><p>“I want it for me, too,” Liz says, softly.</p><p>Maria kisses her, once, on the side of the head.</p><p>“Then go.”</p><p>***</p><p>Liz showers. Puts on lotion. Pulls on a robe. Lays a clean towel down – it’s not her bed, after all. Turns on some music. Looks at the vibrator. Walks around the room. Looks at the vibrator again.</p><p>“Maria?”</p><p>She hears footsteps, then a knock. “Everything okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, come in.”</p><p>Maria cracks the door, steps in. She must see Liz’s stricken face, because she crosses the room quickly, sits next to her on the bed. “What is it?”</p><p>Liz sighs, leans back. “I… I’m in my head. I just can’t… like, why does this feel so hard to do? It should be easy.”</p><p>“But it’s not. And that’s okay.”</p><p>Liz sighs, so deeply. “I just keep thinking about Max, and the last time we were together, and I get so, so damn sad. Maybe I’m not ready for this yet.”</p><p>“Maybe not. Or maybe…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Maybe you just need to think about it differently. Like, like an experiment. A trial. Or…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Maria bites her lip. “This… this might sound super weird.”</p><p>“Um, you bought me a vibrator, that I am about to use. In your bed.” Liz raises an eyebrow. “After my boyfriend, who was an alien, died resurrecting my sister. Like, I think we’re way, way beyond weird.”</p><p>“Very fair,” Maria says, firmly. “But, ah, my mom, she told me that in the 70’s, there was this movement. Pro-body stuff. Women getting together and, and looking at themselves. Looking at each other. Down there. Like, not porn or anything like that, just, like, sisterhood. Normalizing it. Like the reality of it, you know? Almost… almost sacred.”</p><p>“Sacred…” Liz murmurs. “I like that.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Maria says. “And, like, learning. Learning how to bring pleasure to themselves. For no one else. Just, like, for them. No, no pressure. And no shame, either. Solidarity.”</p><p>“Solidarity.” Liz swallows. “What are you suggesting?”</p><p>Maria reaches out. Strokes her hair. “You want me here? Like, moral support? I… I could even do it too, if you want? With mine? We could do it together. Just for us.”</p><p>Liz is quiet. Nods. “For us. Just for us.”</p><p>***</p><p>It’s a little weird. It is. Liz never imagined she’d be getting herself off in Maria’s bedroom, candles lit, Maria next to her. The smells, the sounds… it’s so intimate, maybe the most intimate she’s ever been with anyone without actually touching.</p><p>And it’s powerful, so powerful. She shakes and cries. Resists, almost, at first. Rages… how could she have never done this before? What stopped her from thinking this was something she could do, something that was okay to do? Maria hears her breathing, her noises, soothes her.</p><p>“Just focus on your body, Liz, focus on how you feel.”</p><p>And it helps. She’s out of her head, where she seems to live her whole damn life, and into her body.  </p><p>“Breathe, Liz. Just breathe and feel.”</p><p>So she breathes. She feels.</p><p>“It’s different, different from being with someone else, different from your own hand. Just, just allow it. Let it happen. Just focus on the feeling and relax.”</p><p>And god help her, she does. For the first time in over a year, since she was in Max’s bed, she lets herself go. Lets herself <em>feel.</em></p><p>She feels the familiar build, and that tip, that decision point where she either fights it or, like Maria says, allows. She breathes, she relaxes, and she allows.</p><p>And there it is, that feeling she’s chased for years with partners, that tightening and release, the warm surge of relief that courses through her. She can’t stop her cry, and it pulls a warm laugh out of Maria, too. Oddly enough, it’s that laugh that relaxes her the most, lets her laugh, too. Then cry.</p><p>Maria finishes not long after, glances over at Liz, and smiles. “Well… that was a first.”</p><p>Liz grins at her, so relieved. “Yes. Thank you. I… I never would have done this on my own.”</p><p>Maria gives a small smile. “I don’t know about never… but I’m glad I helped. I…I just want you to care about yourself, Liz. And it’s just seemed like, for this last year, you haven’t.”</p><p>“I haven’t,” Liz affirms. “But you make me want to start.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading.  You can also find me at tumblr (aewriting).</p></blockquote></div></div>
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